Thanks For Your Consideration

I'm far removed from the days where I would visualize that we could ever be more than we were. The thoughts that we could one day be synonymous to each other. That point where someone looking for me would be equivalent to someone looking for you. You know those couples. The ones that are so cute they annoy everyone else. I used to want that for us. And we had our shot. But it's like we never loaded the chamber.

I'm not quite sure what held us back. Were we worried about losing the friendship? Did I appear to come off to strong? Or were you just too scared of the bogeyman?

Hmm...

Whatever the case may be, we moved past it. Almost instantaneously. It was like the brief moments of possible romantic grandeur were blown away with nothing more than a wisp of wind.

But that's ok. Really. I have found complacence in our far from subtle flirtatious friendship. I'm flattered when people ask me, "Why don't you just date her?". Because that's when I get to say, "Well, it's complicated." And with a smile, I laugh it off. I've always been happy as long as you were.

I want you to know that I love you. And not that 'Oh my god, we're such good friends' kind of love. But also not that 'Will you marry me' kind of love either.
No, the love I feel for you is that undefined uncategorized type of love that you can only feel for someone that will forever live in your heart.

But now my role has changed. I am here to help you filter through every guy that wants to be the one in your life. I'll admit, I have mixed feelings as I watch you go through the motions with someone that isn't me.
No one can really match up to me, right? That's what I tell myself.
But that's neither here nor there. Because I know that you deserve the best. And the fact that, even in one moment, you thought that it could be me, I'm grateful.

So, even though I seemingly am not the right man for you... Thank you for your consideration.


Live, love & learn!
-The King

Can't Bite My Tongue

Hey guys, I'm back. Been absent from this blog for a while. But something really has me festering over here.

I'm sure by now everyone has heard about the whole Kanye West VMA debacle.
I want to talk about this but not the way you're thinking. I don't want to comment on Kanye's actions. Enough has been said about that. My concern is in regards to the outpouring of racist comments aimed at Kanye after his actions.

Let me preface by saying that I do not believe that Kanye's actions at the VMAs had anything to do with race. We know Kanye well enough by now to know that if his issues were racially motivated he would have said that plain and clear. He's never really been one to bite his tongue.

But someone please tell me why the internet, especially twitter & youtube, was immediately barraged with some of the most bold and outlandish racial slanders I've seen in a while.

Examples:



After reading an article on the Media Assassin blog, (http://harryallen.info/?p=5154), I was left with a mind numbing mix of emotions. Emotions that still plague me. I can't even make up my mind on if I'm upset or hurt. I'm appalled and outraged. I'm not only saddened for my people, but saddened for people. Saddened at how easy it was for these young people to lean in this direction. I'm mentally in a state of shock. But mainly in shock because this is not shocking.

How does this even happen in the age we live in? We are surrounded by the most multi-cultural stimuli in history. Not to mention the first black president! And whether you like hip hop or not you have to know that the hip hop community has lead the way in trend setting culture for the past ten years, at least. And so just when I think it's getting possible for younger generations to live without being bound by segregated mindsets we are hit with displays like this.

When will people realize that racism is not just something from the past? One of my favorite quotes from that article is:
"Racism is not historical. It’s futuristic. It is not going away. It is being refined. It is weaponized through deceit, secrecy, and violence, in that order. Its chief tools are not clubs, bullets, or nooses, butwords"

And that's exactly where we stand. Of course racism isn't going away. It can't go away when the very people who tell us that it is a thing of the past are the ones teaching it to their children.
Racism is not a born characteristic; it's learned. It's passed along from generation to generation. I wish that we never even had to teach children about race anymore. But you can't send a child into the world unprepared.

As a young boy my mother schooled me on the world that I would one day wander in and squander in. It was her job to inform me about racism and the prejudice that I could/would one day face. This was not presented to me for me to formulate judgments and opinions based on history. But rather for me to be prepared for the possibilities that awaited me.

As I look around, I don't see children that were given facts and the tools to comprehend them. On the contrary, I see children who were presented with feelings and grew up building their reality around these emotions. And now those 'children' are working, aging, reproducing adults who are already set in their ways. And that's why I miss the good old fashioned debate. It showed people that you could not win anything by formulating points around emotions. You have to go for the facts. Something that I feel is lost on the younger generations now.

Racism is a form of ignorance. And the only way to defeat ignorance is with intelligence.

One of my favorite comments on that article is:
"I am appalled but not surprised by the recourse of those of limited lexicon to pejorative and demeaning language. One can but pity their limited faculties and move on."

And that's exactly how you defeat those who use words as weapons. Diminish their minuscule palaver with your own educated and extensive parlance.


Now, let me end with the same line that I end all of my blogs with...

Live, love & learn!
-The King

P.S.
For those reading on other sites, (ie: Facebook), my blog link has moved to http://jdubtheking.blogspot.com

Lost One

Jay-Z said it well:

"Time don't go back, it go forward.
Can't run from the pain, go towards it.
Some things can't be explained, what caused it?
Such a beautiful soul, so pure, shit.
Gonna see you again, I'm sure of it.
Til that time, little man I'm nauseous."

With so many loses in the world as of recent, it's easy for anyone to understand the thoughts and feelings in those words. It's hard when you lose someone that the world knows. But it's even harder when you lose someone that the world didn't get the chance to know yet.

But I think that's what helps show someone's character. Because some people are something to the world; and some are the world to some people.

It's an amazing feeling to be surrounded by people who are all gathered not to mourn a loss but to celebrate a life. To listen to the stories being shared. To be inspired by someone who is no longer with us. I believe in my heart that everyone that I was with last night left that location with a little bit more added to their spirit. Just a little piece of a spirit that we all couldn't help but love. One that we will never forget. One that will forever live on in us all.

R.I.P. Johnny Palermo


Live, love & learn!
-The King

Admire From Afar

Eyes that can make my heart skip a beat and double its speed at the same time.
A smile that could fill the deepest void in my happiness.
Skin that looks so smooth I think I might smear it if I touch you.
Hands that could ease the most ravaged soul with just a touch of your fingertip.
A body that without a doubt spent its prior life as a muse for some of the world's greatest works of art.
In layman's terms: You are utter perfection.

All of this and I've never even had a real conversation with you. Nothing more than a mere "hello" in passing. And even that is enough to stop the constant beating in my chest. But your defibrillating smile always brings me right back
Oh but we've spoken in my mind. Some of the most fascinatingly humorous and intellectually stimulating conversations I've never had. Though, I must admit, sometimes I can't focus on every word you say because I get lost watching your lips formulate and articulate every vowel and consonant that's beautifully structured into those very words.

But there is one problem. One that I can't escape even in my momentary lapses in reality. The very reason that it's impossible for me to verbalize how I feel.
And here he comes.
He greets you with a one-arm hug. As he speaks to you he only locks eye contact for brief intervals. Your genuine smile doesn't cause him to recollect his thoughts and start over. Like it should.

What is it that you see? What is it that you love? What does he have that I don't?
Quite frankly, I'm pretty sure I have more.
What makes him more worthy than me? Does he have the same interests as you? Does your family like him? Is he just more of your type?
Or, did he just wake up earlier than me one day?

I guess I am destined to go the rest of my days without ever knowing the answers to these dire questions of mine. Because you are so clearly and visibly in love with him. And although I do not know him personally, I can tell that he is not foolish enough to ever let you slip away.

So until the day that I am lucky enough to find someone that is even a fraction of your caliber... all I can do is, harmlessly, admire from afar.

Live, love & learn!
-The King

Faces In The Crowd

It's April 1st, 2009; approaching 10p.m. I'm standing in the Knitting Factory in Hollywood. Comodity stands beside me. We bow our heads in prayer before embracing the stage. Neither of us ever really needs more than 30 seconds of “me time” before performing. So we’re ready. The guy setting up my music is kind of bugging me right now because he keeps playing the beginning of my set before it's time to go. But he's not trying to, so I don't hold it against him.

Introduction is done. It's time.

We walk on the stage and Comodity hands me my mic. He takes the one that he thinks might have lower quality and hands me what he thinks is the better mic. He doesn’t know that I realize this. I acknowledge with nothing more than a slight smile to myself. This is friendship and professionalism at its finest.

With the microphones in our hands, it’s transformation time. Jeff and Bryan metamorphose into J-Dub and Comodity.
I usually start every show looking slightly nervous. But I think I do this so that I can explode as soon as the beat drops.

“Let’s go!”
The beat drops.

I look down from the stage onto this potpourri of faces. Some young, some older. Some new, some familiar. The expressions on the faces say everything from “Go get em guys!” to “So what are they gonna do?”. My favorite is the latter of the two. I love to watch them turn from doubt to appreciation as the show progresses.

“If you’re with me then ride along!”

But I do find comfort in the familiar faces. I can see members of all of my families. My real fam, Royal Fam, “New Fam”, and my work fam. Just knowing that these people would come out to support me is so motivating. They’ve seen me perform before. They didn’t have to come out again. But they did. And they seem to be enjoying themselves. My fondest dreams are filled with these exact moments.

“Time’s up!”

Man, Comodity and I are in rare form! I’ve never felt so comfortable on stage. Every minute of rehearsals paid off.

“I’m a monster!”

As I look into the pockets of familiar faces, a part of me does long for those that are not present. Some couldn’t make it because of conflicting schedules. I don’t hold that against anyone of course. Some people said from the beginning that they weren’t going to show. No hard feelings.

“Back up on me!”

But then there are some, some that don’t have a real reason not to be here. Well, the reasons may be real to them. But it would be nice if they were here. I miss some of my friends. Some of those people were some of my favorite people to be around. I would love to be looking at their faces in the crowd right now as well. Who knows, maybe even bring one up on stage. Ha.

All of these thoughts flash in my mind throughout the performance. Never lasting long enough to throw me off track. Just long enough to recognize them.

“Holla back!”
Show’s over.

Time to hug & thank those who did come.

Thank you! You all are my heart.

And for those not here, you’re my heart too. Even if you don’t know it.

Wow, what a night!

Live, love & learn!
-The King

'Til Death

Going to a wedding can definitely be an inspiring and eye-opening occasion.
Watching two people acknowledge, announce, and celebrate their ever changing yet undying love for one another is beautifully stimulating. To listen to the words in the vows and know that right now, in this moment, these two people mean these words with all of their heart. Every syllable that they speak is backed with the strength and depth of their beating heart. To see two people commit their mind, body, and soul to one person for the remainder of their lives. ........wow!

To witness such an event really makes you wonder.
Could I ever commit to someone in that way?
Am I ready to meet someone that I could one day feel that way towards?
Have I already met them?
If so, did I already mess it up? Or do I still have time to make it blossom?

So many thoughts. So much pondering. All sparked by one monumental occasion in two other people's lives.
How could this mean so much to me?
Just proof that there really is a common denominator amongst all people. ...The desire to love and feel loved.
Amazing.

Live, love & learn!
-The King

Frostbitten Heart

A warmth that resembles the hottest day in the summer.
A comfort more soothing than sitting by the yule log in the dead of winter.
A blaze that was synonymous to the most passionate night between two first time lovers.
I was spoiled by the heat like moving to Los Angeles from New York.
And just like that..............the heatwave ends.

Oh how I miss my summer nights.
Having to wear shades because I was blinded by our own illuminating glow.
But I've doubled up on my blankets now. Cotton pillow cases too.
Windows remain shut.
I even close my closet door to avoid a draft.
I wear socks to bed even though they're never on when I wake up.
Anything to recreate the heat. To simulate the warmth.

Now I walk around emotionless. Statuesque even.
Finding it harder and harder to balance my emotions.
I sway back and forth like a pendulum. Gaining speed with every swing.
One of these days I'm going to go over the edge.
Which edge? I don't know.

I've distanced myself from my friends.
My family.
Myself.
How could I feel so heartless?

I'm losing faith in the sun. I feel such a devastating chill.
But I know there's hope. There has to be. Life can't end like this.
One day my temperature will rise again. When I find my supernova.
So don't lose faith in me.
I'm here.
I'll be here.
I don't have a cold heart.
Just a mild case of frostbite.


Live, love & learn!
-The King