Justin Nozuka's latest album blares through my speakers as I make the same drive I have made a countless amount of times. But today's ride is one that I will not soon forget.
Or ever.
My mind whips its way through a pensive parallel universe as my dissociated body drives itself. The fact that I didn't run into any other cars is a miracle. Then again, I don't even remember seeing other vehicles on the roads that I know for a fact were riddled with traffic. Buildings became a blur as my eyes glazed over with a frosty film that resembled an antique camera filter.
As I recite the words to the tunes that are accompanying me on this trek, I feel the first stream of my eye's salty secretion trickle its way down my face. Songs that used to make me so happy to sing along to are now stabbing me with pain.
It isn't just the music that's bringing this out of me. Nor is it where I'm going to.
It's where I'm coming from.
I just left from seeing you in a way that I have never seen before. In a state that I wished I never would see. You laid there in that hospital bed not knowing what to feel or expect. I sat there next to you not knowing what to feel or expect.
It took all that I had to keep a calm face while by your side. All the while, my brain was being poisoned with 'what if's. I was able to control these thoughts in the moment, but they are currently getting the best of me.
I can't lose you.
My life would cease to function without you to share it with. You have been there for as long as I can remember. Please don't leave me right now. I'm not strong enough to handle it.
That's right, me... The pillar of forced strength is saying that I can NOT take you being taken away from me.
Not now.
Not ever.
The tears continue to pour down my face in a manner that would make Niagara proud. For every one that I try to fight, four more follow. I am now howling the words to the music. It is my only remaining grip on reality in this moment of insanity. The harder I cry, the louder I sing. The louder I sing, the more it hurts. The more it hurts, the harder I cry. My circle of sorrow.
I think about everything that I've never told you. Everything that I may never get to. Everything that I wish I never did. And everything that I can't wait to tell you again.
We have unfinished business. You have unfinished business. I'm destined to be great. And you're destined to be even better.
I'm sorry for every word constructed by me that has ever hurt you. I'm sorry for every word constructed by anyone else that hurt you that I wasn't there to protect you from.
You are my heart. You are my inspiration. You are my focus.
You are my brother.
My car comes to a slow stop. I made it to work.
How did I get here?
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Thursday, September 23, 2010
My Schoolyard Sweetheart
I miss you.
My schoolyard sweetheart.
So many years we spent hand in hand. I was your favorite. Everyone knew it. If we walked into a room together it was like all lights and eyes were on us. People on the street used to acknowledge our bond.
We were supposed to change the world together. Do you remember that? I was destined to be better than your ex. Even though I knew that everyone would forever compare me to him. But that was a burden that I was more than willing to carry.
Our first kiss was like magic. Even though it left me with a sore throat.
Every date we had went to second base. Sometimes even more than that.
Remember how we used to love to go to the carnival? We could ride the carousel for hours.
Trips across the country together. Those were the days.
Oh, and that one time at the park. With the Dalmatian. I know you remember that.
Do you remember that one big storm when we sat in the house for hours?
And once that was washed up we ran to the beach to watch the sunset. That one night felt like years.
But that night didn't last as long as we thought it would, did it?
I told you that I had to go away for college. It was really important to me. You promised that you would be here when I got back.
But I knew that things were different when I would go back for visits.
You started to lock your eyes on someone knew. Is he better than me? No. Not even close. But what can I do? In your eyes I chose education over you.
Do you hate me now?
At times you make me question those decisions that I made. But in my heart I know that what I did was right. I didn't turn my back on you. You turned your back on me! I'm still the same man. In fact, I'm an even better man than I was then.
One day you'll remember. One day we'll be back to where we were. But this time I know to be cautious with you. I must act fast at a slow pace.
Do you remember me yet?
Live, love & learn!
-The King
My schoolyard sweetheart.
So many years we spent hand in hand. I was your favorite. Everyone knew it. If we walked into a room together it was like all lights and eyes were on us. People on the street used to acknowledge our bond.
We were supposed to change the world together. Do you remember that? I was destined to be better than your ex. Even though I knew that everyone would forever compare me to him. But that was a burden that I was more than willing to carry.
Our first kiss was like magic. Even though it left me with a sore throat.
Every date we had went to second base. Sometimes even more than that.
Remember how we used to love to go to the carnival? We could ride the carousel for hours.
Trips across the country together. Those were the days.
Oh, and that one time at the park. With the Dalmatian. I know you remember that.
Do you remember that one big storm when we sat in the house for hours?
And once that was washed up we ran to the beach to watch the sunset. That one night felt like years.
But that night didn't last as long as we thought it would, did it?
I told you that I had to go away for college. It was really important to me. You promised that you would be here when I got back.
But I knew that things were different when I would go back for visits.
You started to lock your eyes on someone knew. Is he better than me? No. Not even close. But what can I do? In your eyes I chose education over you.
Do you hate me now?
At times you make me question those decisions that I made. But in my heart I know that what I did was right. I didn't turn my back on you. You turned your back on me! I'm still the same man. In fact, I'm an even better man than I was then.
One day you'll remember. One day we'll be back to where we were. But this time I know to be cautious with you. I must act fast at a slow pace.
Do you remember me yet?
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Acid Tears
A tear falls from the back of my eye into the throbbing enclosure that is my skull. A tear that is invisible to the world, yet I can still taste its saltiness.
On the outside I must conceal this pain. My face is the face that must be looked to for reassurance. I am the support behind the tumbling wall.
But I am the skyscraper with shaky foundation.
Don't lean too hard; I just might fall over. Or I may crumble inwards like a termite infested maple beam.
I am a newspaper from the 1920s... in 2010. At a glance I offer everything that you need. But handle with a delicate touch. Too tight of a grasp is sure to shatter my tainted texture. Leaving nothing but the hardened edges that naturally evolved for self preservation.
Quite the useless evolution, seeing as how I am only protected from forces weaker than I.
The tear inside of me makes its way down my body. Burning its path down my chest and through my heart. As it reaches my stomach I can feel my core tighten and begin to heave. I look around for my way of release but all I can see is the shadows. I'm lost in the darkness of a glass room in the daytime. All around me, candles lit. But I still need a light switch. I know that there is a glorious glow cast upon me. By why can't I see it?
My mind is as scattered as the very words I am currently speaking. My thoughts are filled with articulated nonsense. Poetic gibberish.
The tear makes it way through my legs causing me to buckle at the knees. I drop to the floor in a thunderous motion as if a plane flew into my sternum.
As I lie there, curled like a fetus, insides scarred from the molten tears, I raise my right hand and pound it into the floor. Pound until I break through the glass bottom. Just then a recognizable hand from above grabs me and lifts me onto my feet.
That's my hand.
I am my own strength. I can never get back up if I am not ready to.
I am ready.
I take my first step towards the luminescent panes in front of me. I will be the strength that everyone needs. I will be the strength that I need.
But first, I need to stop crying.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
On the outside I must conceal this pain. My face is the face that must be looked to for reassurance. I am the support behind the tumbling wall.
But I am the skyscraper with shaky foundation.
Don't lean too hard; I just might fall over. Or I may crumble inwards like a termite infested maple beam.
I am a newspaper from the 1920s... in 2010. At a glance I offer everything that you need. But handle with a delicate touch. Too tight of a grasp is sure to shatter my tainted texture. Leaving nothing but the hardened edges that naturally evolved for self preservation.
Quite the useless evolution, seeing as how I am only protected from forces weaker than I.
The tear inside of me makes its way down my body. Burning its path down my chest and through my heart. As it reaches my stomach I can feel my core tighten and begin to heave. I look around for my way of release but all I can see is the shadows. I'm lost in the darkness of a glass room in the daytime. All around me, candles lit. But I still need a light switch. I know that there is a glorious glow cast upon me. By why can't I see it?
My mind is as scattered as the very words I am currently speaking. My thoughts are filled with articulated nonsense. Poetic gibberish.
The tear makes it way through my legs causing me to buckle at the knees. I drop to the floor in a thunderous motion as if a plane flew into my sternum.
As I lie there, curled like a fetus, insides scarred from the molten tears, I raise my right hand and pound it into the floor. Pound until I break through the glass bottom. Just then a recognizable hand from above grabs me and lifts me onto my feet.
That's my hand.
I am my own strength. I can never get back up if I am not ready to.
I am ready.
I take my first step towards the luminescent panes in front of me. I will be the strength that everyone needs. I will be the strength that I need.
But first, I need to stop crying.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Angel In Red
Beware the gaze of the angel in red.
Such a beautiful being with a smile that could change lives.
Only a certified fool could ignore the brilliance that is her.
Your every fantasy is but a mere snap of her fingers.
Your dreams are her past and your future is in her purse.
The click of her heels mirrors the beating of your heart.
Her eyelids are Pandora's box and her eyes are the gateway to Eden.
But beware the gaze of the angel in red.
She is by far the sexiest woman that you will ever encounter.
Thousands of strands of capelli d'angelo, (angel hair), fall gently over her nape to tickle her shoulder blades.
She was born with the lips that Angelina Jolie wishes she had.
Hips, that with every pendulum-like sway draw you closer like a moth to the flame burning inside of her.
And an ass that... ::sigh:: ...You get the picture.
But beware the gaze of the angel in red.
Her halo is permanently disfigured by third-degree burns.
To indulge in her is to enter a world of tantalizing deceit.
Her candy apple red dress is as dangerous as the devilish clerk who persuaded her to pick it from the tree.
As you confront this charlatan of life... remain calm and stand true. Do not be the cushioned landing for this fallen angel. Move cautiously, be persistently observant, and consciously moral. Your life has more purpose than the temptations of this femme fatale.
And so, I say to you... Guard your eyes, turn your head, and beware the gaze of the angel in red.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Such a beautiful being with a smile that could change lives.
Only a certified fool could ignore the brilliance that is her.
Your every fantasy is but a mere snap of her fingers.
Your dreams are her past and your future is in her purse.
The click of her heels mirrors the beating of your heart.
Her eyelids are Pandora's box and her eyes are the gateway to Eden.
But beware the gaze of the angel in red.
She is by far the sexiest woman that you will ever encounter.
Thousands of strands of capelli d'angelo, (angel hair), fall gently over her nape to tickle her shoulder blades.
She was born with the lips that Angelina Jolie wishes she had.
Hips, that with every pendulum-like sway draw you closer like a moth to the flame burning inside of her.
And an ass that... ::sigh:: ...You get the picture.
But beware the gaze of the angel in red.
Her halo is permanently disfigured by third-degree burns.
To indulge in her is to enter a world of tantalizing deceit.
Her candy apple red dress is as dangerous as the devilish clerk who persuaded her to pick it from the tree.
As you confront this charlatan of life... remain calm and stand true. Do not be the cushioned landing for this fallen angel. Move cautiously, be persistently observant, and consciously moral. Your life has more purpose than the temptations of this femme fatale.
And so, I say to you... Guard your eyes, turn your head, and beware the gaze of the angel in red.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Fireworks
A flash of light that breaks the unbearable silence.
A thunderous roar that illuminates the jet-black sky.
At this very moment my senses are more sensitive than raw nerve endings. Every touch to my hand sends chills down my spine. The dimmest beam of light to strike my eye is being perceived as the brightest white. I can taste every smell and see every sound. I can even hear the colors in the sky.
And oh, the sound that blue and pink makes when amalgamated resembles the most beautifully symmetrical sine wave tucked in between the course exterior of a saw-tooth bass and the hum of what I can only assume is an angel's lullaby.
My frozen stature combined with the warmth emitted from the sky is leaving me at a precise 98.6. In other words, I feel perfect.
So many nights I have longed for this pyrotechnic display of fine engineering and sheer creativity. And for so many nights I have been left with a blank, barren sheet of sky that seemed to get closer and closer every night, tucking me in to a claustrophobic bed of desolate solitude.
And now, here, on that which is this fine country's day of independence, I feel rejuvenated. I feel revitalized. I feel life... re-imagined.
I sure hope this show never ends.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
A thunderous roar that illuminates the jet-black sky.
At this very moment my senses are more sensitive than raw nerve endings. Every touch to my hand sends chills down my spine. The dimmest beam of light to strike my eye is being perceived as the brightest white. I can taste every smell and see every sound. I can even hear the colors in the sky.
And oh, the sound that blue and pink makes when amalgamated resembles the most beautifully symmetrical sine wave tucked in between the course exterior of a saw-tooth bass and the hum of what I can only assume is an angel's lullaby.
My frozen stature combined with the warmth emitted from the sky is leaving me at a precise 98.6. In other words, I feel perfect.
So many nights I have longed for this pyrotechnic display of fine engineering and sheer creativity. And for so many nights I have been left with a blank, barren sheet of sky that seemed to get closer and closer every night, tucking me in to a claustrophobic bed of desolate solitude.
And now, here, on that which is this fine country's day of independence, I feel rejuvenated. I feel revitalized. I feel life... re-imagined.
I sure hope this show never ends.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Monday, June 14, 2010
From Glue To A Magnet
For years I was an adhesive.
I was the glue that bonded two rough surfaces together. Day by day my strength was tested. I was strong enough to hold up against any third party that took a shot at separating this union. At times I even impressed myself with my sheer determination to put everything that I had into keeping this unit together. No interference from any outside force could break this bond. Not in my eyes at least.
All of this time that I spent watching my back and looking over my shoulder, I forgot to look out for our closest threat.
...You.
You were the biggest test of my strength. You would pull, stretch, and tug at our edges to see just how together we were. You spent so much time testing our hold that you weakened its grasp.
At times we would even pull apart.
But I was resilient. I would always find a way to reunite us. The only problem was, every time that we would separate, we would lose some of that coarse exterior that we started with. Slowly but surely smoothing out our surfaces. You spent so much time trying to sand me down into what you believed to be the perfect representation of what I could be.
But here's the thing... It was those rugged edges that kept us together. Once you filed us down, we were now too smooth for me to grasp on to. I couldn't keep a grip. I had to watch you slowly slip out of my embrace.
And I watched it.
I watched our distance increase without any effort on your end to rejoin our connection.
...Bye...
Here's where the magic happens though.
After I gave myself enough time to clean myself of the last remainders of glue that were scattered about my body, I noticed that my freshly polished edges had a sort of a charge to them. Next thing I know, I was uninterruptedly drawn to someone who had also recently taken the time to clean their history off of them.
I was drawn to her.
She was drawn to me.
This new charge that I was left with was nothing short of magnetic.
So now the pressure is not all on me to keep a union held together. There is an equal force from both sides that makes this not only the easiest mixture, but the most pleasant unity that I have ever experienced.
So, thank you. Thank you for preparing me for the future. Because I am now no longer the glue holding two entities together. I am one half of a unit that would not be complete without each other.
I am no longer the glue. I am a magnet.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
I was the glue that bonded two rough surfaces together. Day by day my strength was tested. I was strong enough to hold up against any third party that took a shot at separating this union. At times I even impressed myself with my sheer determination to put everything that I had into keeping this unit together. No interference from any outside force could break this bond. Not in my eyes at least.
All of this time that I spent watching my back and looking over my shoulder, I forgot to look out for our closest threat.
...You.
You were the biggest test of my strength. You would pull, stretch, and tug at our edges to see just how together we were. You spent so much time testing our hold that you weakened its grasp.
At times we would even pull apart.
But I was resilient. I would always find a way to reunite us. The only problem was, every time that we would separate, we would lose some of that coarse exterior that we started with. Slowly but surely smoothing out our surfaces. You spent so much time trying to sand me down into what you believed to be the perfect representation of what I could be.
But here's the thing... It was those rugged edges that kept us together. Once you filed us down, we were now too smooth for me to grasp on to. I couldn't keep a grip. I had to watch you slowly slip out of my embrace.
And I watched it.
I watched our distance increase without any effort on your end to rejoin our connection.
...Bye...
Here's where the magic happens though.
After I gave myself enough time to clean myself of the last remainders of glue that were scattered about my body, I noticed that my freshly polished edges had a sort of a charge to them. Next thing I know, I was uninterruptedly drawn to someone who had also recently taken the time to clean their history off of them.
I was drawn to her.
She was drawn to me.
This new charge that I was left with was nothing short of magnetic.
So now the pressure is not all on me to keep a union held together. There is an equal force from both sides that makes this not only the easiest mixture, but the most pleasant unity that I have ever experienced.
So, thank you. Thank you for preparing me for the future. Because I am now no longer the glue holding two entities together. I am one half of a unit that would not be complete without each other.
I am no longer the glue. I am a magnet.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Man From Woman; I Of She
Brought into this world by two.
Accepted into this world by one.
Everything that I am, I am from her.
Funny how the man that I have become, and will continue to mature into, is a complete reflection of a woman. The strongest woman that I have ever known. The most beautiful woman that I ever will know. My life is the fruits of her labor. Literally, her labor.
When she cries, I weep.
Her pain is my suffering.
Her joy is my heart.
Her rest is my slumber.
Her sacrifice is for my benefit.
Her word is my bond.
Her wound is my scar.
Her lesson taught is my lesson learned.
Her son is my brother.
Her laugh is my love.
Her smile is my life.
Sometimes I wonder if he's ever even wondered. Wondered what he missed out on. Wondered what I've grown to be. Wondered what exactly he left.
And then I wonder why I'm wondering.
Wonder ceases.
He would have been nothing more than an unnecessary accessory.
I learned to shave without him. Learned to flirt without him. Learned to play basketball without him. Learned how to 'wrap it up' without him.
Learned... everything... without him.
And I am still here. A man among boys. An example for my brother. An example for my peers. And example for a generation. And most importantly... An example of her.
So here I stand. Man from woman; I of she.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
Accepted into this world by one.
Everything that I am, I am from her.
Funny how the man that I have become, and will continue to mature into, is a complete reflection of a woman. The strongest woman that I have ever known. The most beautiful woman that I ever will know. My life is the fruits of her labor. Literally, her labor.
When she cries, I weep.
Her pain is my suffering.
Her joy is my heart.
Her rest is my slumber.
Her sacrifice is for my benefit.
Her word is my bond.
Her wound is my scar.
Her lesson taught is my lesson learned.
Her son is my brother.
Her laugh is my love.
Her smile is my life.
Sometimes I wonder if he's ever even wondered. Wondered what he missed out on. Wondered what I've grown to be. Wondered what exactly he left.
And then I wonder why I'm wondering.
Wonder ceases.
He would have been nothing more than an unnecessary accessory.
I learned to shave without him. Learned to flirt without him. Learned to play basketball without him. Learned how to 'wrap it up' without him.
Learned... everything... without him.
And I am still here. A man among boys. An example for my brother. An example for my peers. And example for a generation. And most importantly... An example of her.
So here I stand. Man from woman; I of she.
Live, love & learn!
-The King
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